So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize