i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
