I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
