So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
