So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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