Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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