So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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