I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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