Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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