No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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