I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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