Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
