I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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