My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Someone came in the potted fern
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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