I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
