I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
