I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
