i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
