im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I need moral support for this bender
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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