put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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