Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
