Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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