I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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