We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
