His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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