if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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