just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize