everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
