your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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