He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
