he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
