Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
