At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
