I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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