I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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