It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
