what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
