I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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