No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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