Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize