We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
