Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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