We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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