i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
