never play flip cup with pint glasses
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
