yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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