he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
