all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
