i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
