Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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