I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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