she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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