the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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