guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
