i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
