I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
