i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
