I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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