everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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