I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
