John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize