3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
