That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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