I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
