When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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