My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Enjoy the penises
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize