Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
