If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i think i just lost a toe
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