I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
