hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
