Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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