I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
